Why do we do it? What’s the deal about so desperately wanting the approval of others? How come sometimes our happiness is directly intertwined with whether someone else is happy or not?
I wish I knew the answers to those questions. Actually, there’s quite a bit of research as to why we are people pleasers. Most of the studies lead back to events that happened when we were innocent children. Dr. Nicole LePara is a holistic psychatrist who says this about the topic:
People pleasers aren’t trying to please other people. They’re trying to avoid their own feelings of shame when they disappoint someone. Every people pleaser has one core goal: control how another person views them.
Ouch. That one kind of hurts. I recently discovered that this problem goes back all the way to the Old Testament. It is mentioned in the book of 2nd Chronicles which was written sometime around 400 B.C. The king had appointed judges to help with the administrative work of the kingdom. Here is a section of the advise he gave them:
“Remember that you do not judge to please people, but to please the Lord.” (2 Chronicles 19: 4-6)
Okay, so this has been a problem for a long time. What are some possible solutions? Here are some suggestions that I’ve found helpful:
*Awareness of our motives and the motives of others – Truly asking: Why am I doing this? Is it simply to get their approval or hope that they “like me”? Does this person or group of people have a history of taking, and this relationship is mostly one sided? We have permission to set up boundaries in our lives to minimize or possibly eliminate the people we’re trying to continually please for no apparent reason. Some are givers and some are takers. Watch out for the takers and keep on being a giver. An excellent resource about this topic is a book by Adam Grant called Give and Take.
*Saying “no” without an explanation. This can be a challenging one. The pleaser in us believes that we owe everyone explanations for our actions. Not true. Think about how many times we say “yes” and regret it. The way to start a new habit of this is giving it a try in a low risk environment.
Example: “Hey, everyone is going the 9 pm showing at the movies, you’re coming, right?”
“No.”
“C’mon, everyone is going! Why would you say ‘no’???”
“No, thanks” (with a friendly and loving smile).
Try this! And remember, you are not required to give an explanation.
*Disappointing adults – The people pleaser wants everyone happy and getting along. This just isn’t possible. When it is all said and done – we can only control our happiness in spite of our best efforts towards others. With the practice of saying “no” without an explanation, sometimes disappointing adults comes with that practice. And it is all right. Once again, Dr. LePera offers her insight from her clinical research:
To have the life you want, you need to start the practice of disappointing people. Teach yourself that adults are capable of being upset, and that your role isn’t to fix everyone else’s issues. Anxiety and depression are signals that you’re neglecting you.
Not being a people pleaser may lose us some popularity contests. That is just fine – let someone else win it. When we observe the life of Jesus – you see he didn’t care what the crowd thought. The Apostle Paul made this claim in reference to being a follower of Jesus and people pleasing:
“If we were living to please people – we wouldn’t follow Jesus.” (Galatians 1:10)
Blessings,
Dave 🙂
David Rische 